Been a while...

Hello All! it's been a while since i've been on here...it's been a long break. Found out that maturity comes after someone elses stupidity..which is actually true. I feel that in these days i've matured...a lot of stupid ppl I've had to deal with. But I find other ppl's problems easier to deal with than my own. No shocker there. And is it wrong to like gay guys? idk but it seems something is wrong there. If you have AIM and ever get the chance add me: silvmoo

But as a warning I like to talk to ppl I barley see so if I can't talk then don't take it personally..I like talking to ppl I barley see..not ppl I would see everyday. I also think that in these days that love does not make us blind..it just allows us to see differently than those around us. I feel that to be "in love" it needs to feel like in a room full of ppl that you can be the only one there. Or that they can bring out something in you that you never noticed before. Or even that you can talk to them about anything. And if you're ever stuck in a situation that needs solving here's a tip I find helpful:

Don't lie. It makes things confusing for both ppl. Or however many ppl are involved. there is no point. if there is a problem you want solved than don't lie becuz lying doesn't solve it. If someone apologizes and it hurts you still and they say are you ok..if you really aren't...then say you aren't. Also..I can solve dreams now apparently. Just thinking about how to solve it right before I succumb[idk how to spell that's like my 3rd time trying to spell that] to sleep than my dreams become better. problem solved. :D

Here's a quote line that has helped me through these last week or 2:

I may have friends behind me, a family that leads the way, but no one by my side to tell me it's ok....Being lied to is like being told you're not worth the truth. Easier said than done.

But maturity is like an emotion..it comes and goes with the situation.

I'm done. I'm done being lied to...being betrayed. My friends I have told that I liked end up telling them when I'm not ready. It makes me feel small...insuperior and it's not a good feeling. I've been told I've been a bad friend by the worst friend I had. One that betrayed me and than talked to me about it..trying to make it better. Where our last day together was our worst becuz I told her she made herself easy. A slut. But idc. She is. Everybody in class would be able to say something they don't like about her. She made 7th grade my worst year ever. But of course these are just written down on a page. A blog for about 4 maybe 5 ppl to see what goes on in my mind. idk if that's enough to really make a difference. But I hope it makes a difference for whoever reads it. A little girl. Marlo her name is. In 7th grade was when I met her. Now with Sarah at a new school Marlo asks me everyday what Sarah said...and it makes me sad becuz i have nothing to tell her. I don't know what's going on in her life..the "one" she's with now. The one that might be the 4 weeker. I don't think she's always been this way. But who knows. I know I won't. I won't even ask. She's not my problem anymore. Well...I have a best friend. One who thinks I'm also a great friend. We're always there for each other. when we talk for what seem like wasteful moments you say you hate her...say she's stupid becuz she doesn't like horses. At least she didn't betray me. Lie to me and to other ppl. SHe thought everyone was out to get her. She brought that unto herself. But of course..

these are just words on a page. I wish I could go to her face and tell her what a slut she was. To tell her how bad a friend she is. But I hide in my corners. I don't like big areas. Being the center of attention. Never had. Probably never will. I would rather spend time with small groups of ppl...maybe groups of 3 or 4..but groups of 6 or 7 scare me...and if they surround me. I'll move. I always move. Going to corners of the room. ppl notice me...ask me what's wrong..and idk. Idk what's wrong. I feel that I've been stepped on and minipulated..taken advantage of. And I feel that slowly I'm breaking away. From my corners I observe. I know what to say. Most of the time anyway. I feel that I could be a leader. I was when I was little. Had everybody following me. But only in situations that call for it do I do anything. I'm a good writer. Not a good speaker. ppl talk a lot but it barely has any purpose out in the real world. Ppl only hear what matters. ppl hear you..can understand EVERYTHING you say..but only really hear and remember the important stuff. I think if I liked somebody I'd tell them. I might be shy but I'd rather have me tell them than somebody else tell them..that's happened so often recently. But idc..they all find out anyways. In a line with lots of ppl walking in 2's..I'm probably the only one walking by myself. My best friend has a bf that she'd be walking by..and my friends are all even numbers. i don't even think they'd make an effort to stand by me..but idc. I let ppl get what they want so they'll leave me alone. I try to be the referee. Right in the middle. The person that solves everyone elses problems. They all seem to outshine my own. But idc. When ppl ask what are my problems I have nothing to say. Becuz my problems turn into them talking about their problems. But as I said...idc. But probably once ppl read this they'll ask me what's wrong..what my problems are. And I won't know what to say. I don't now. I won't then. Mainly that I'm confused on different levels. But it just feels weird to have ppl care what my problems are. To suddenly have all the focus turned on me again.

If you've read all of this. Congrats! You might be one of the only ppl that care enough to read long things about how i feel. About what goes on in my mind. I feel I've written enough...too much. I will finish up with this quote:

Some ppl say that dreams are better than reality. You can make it anything you want. But you can do anything you want with your life as well. And dreams are unpredictable. Just like life. Sure they can be better than reality. But in reality they are just 2 different worlds that we have yet to control.

The secret of man is this. We thrive off of others. We must always outshine others becuz we are that selfish. More money. More expensive things. More friends. More land. A bigger army. We spend our whole lives figuring this out. And frown upon us. We make things that kill each other. Blow up children in times of war. Some leaders say we are the kings of the world. But it is only becuz we destroyed everything below us.

Rachel